Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side taken off in an accident?
"He is all right now."
I heard that an unarmed robber held up the bank..That was hard to do with "no arms."
My wife asked for something to comb the cat.So I got her a catacomb.
Where do snowmen dance?
At the Snow Ball.
A swimmer wrapped his surf board with a net because he was told to surf the net.
At work, it was announced that it was starting to rain so please close your windows, So I closed my Windows 10.
If your PC mouse stops responding make sure it is not in a mouse trap.
The Army came up with a new shirt.
What is the Army's favorite holiday? "Thanks Giving"
I just heard a teacher got fired because she was standing on her principal.
Learning sign language could come in handy.
When people ask
me how I feel?
I reply with my fingers.
Some say hiring vegetarians as policemen is a miss steak but others say they are good for steak outs.
When the TV repair man got married, the reception was excellent. Now they enjoy we runs.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Cataract surgery is a real eye opener.
A person who trains opticians must be careful not to lose their pupils.
Did you see my sun glasses?
But you do not have a son.
An employee went to a hat store because her boss told her to get a raise, she has to wear more hats.
The Christmas alphabet has No L.
I saw two sun rises this morning; my youngest son and my oldest.
You can tell a mad Doctor by his sign: "New Patience Welcome."
I just found out you do not have to stress studying for a stress test, nor need a cat for a cat scan.
You can always find a tired policeman under cover at night.
Why did the man stop at a hardware store before he went to the doctor's?
He needed to get a
A will is always a dead giveaway.
When the town's mine close,
the citizens became closed mined.
It is known that towns with no bars also have no cell phones that work.
On the way to the IRS, a man stopped to get a file from his tool box so he file his taxes.
Never buy batteries with a credit card because you might get over charged.
General Pickett should have used a pair of jumper cables to help with his charge.
You should be able to get dead batteries free of charge.
Charles, I heard they changed your nationality when they took your gall bladder out.
Yes, I am now Charles DeGaulled.
To write with a
Why is everything lead free except pencils?
Why couldn't a bicycle stand alone?
Because it is was two tire.
The police were called to a daycare center.
.A three year old was resisting a rest.
The local jail stopped serving breakfast because they had a cereal burglar and others switched the words and made the meal a fast/break.
The FBI was called to the High School because Metric was inches away from using a millimeter with a weapon of math destruction against the Ruler.
A thief, who stole a calendar, only got twelve months.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, bigger and bigger.
Did you know that Atheism has a
My barber had two great sayings:
"We always try to get a head." "Two heads are better than one."
A barber once told me that sea captains do not like crew cuts.
The medical tech wanted to draw my blood so I gave her a red crayon.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
Why did the Wright brothers time their first flight?
They heard time flies.
Moses got so mad that hebrewed.
So God told him take 2 tablets and don't be in tents.
When you eat at a place that sells spirits make sure you order the "Medium" steak.
What does a baker use to cover up with at night?
A cookie sheet.
How can you tell when a clock is hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
The fast food owner was in a pickle until he mustered his workers to caught up.
A busy baker fell because he was
on a roll.
When fish are in schools, they will take debate.
I said to an electrician, "More power to you."
He replied, "Watt."
I asked, "If I touched these wires, watt will happen?"
He replied, "A lot of hertz."
I said, "How much this power does draw?"
He said, "If power draws, then take it to an arc show."
Did you know I was named after George Washington?
Well, I was not named before him.
It seems like everything is made in China these days, even people.
An older tire store had to close because the employees kept retiring.
Why did the store manager hire stacks of paper?
He want to see the paper work.
If you want to jog your memory take your laptop for a run.
What do you call a line of rabbits jumping backwards?
Receding hair line.
Why did the golfer take two pairs of pants?
In case, he got a hole in.
Did you hear about the boss at the window factory?
I do not go hunting because I am trying to save a few bucks.
What is an Orthopedic trying to tell you with a sign
"Give me a break"?
We purchased a new sweeper
and it really sucks.
My father, Lester, was driving us on a trip.
I told him to stop here because they had gas for LESS. We then ate at a place because it had a sign "Eat here and get gas."
A dentist and manicurist married.It didn't work out. All they did was fight both tooth and nail.
The object of Acupuncture is
to get the point.
Don't worry, more jokes will be coming soon.
But that is what I am worried about.
The police arrested a dog catcher for being a cat burglar.
What shoes do alligators wear?
My Grandmother sent me 3 socks because she heard
I grew an extra foot.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
A 7 year old learning subtraction said
"This does not add up".
A clogged toilet really stinks.
He broke into song because he could not find the key.
Did you hear that 100 souls were lost at the shoe factory fire. Some heel started it but that could be a croc.
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A band aid was need in the Music room to pick up some notes that were flat.
A local school needed to hire more math teachers because the students kept multiplying.
These can be repeated without reference. They are not all mine. If you have some for this page written me NHBDevotions@gmail.com.
What do you call a boy Scout with no badges?
A little bare.
Why was the 2016 Olympics the biggest ever?
I heard that a foreign county returned the lights that the US send them for earthquake recovery.
They stated the lights were labeled as flood lights.
What do you give a janitor for Easter? Dusty bunnies.
Why did the boy cut a dogwood tree?
He wanted it to bark.
What did the cat say when he hurt himself?
What did the dog say when he walked on stones? Rough
If doctors know what they are doing, then why do they call it a "practice"?